If You Are Irony-Impaired, ...

Stop right where you are. Really.  Go away.  'Cause I'm going to be irreverant here and I just plain don't want any guff about it.  Gone?  Ok.

12 Steps to Yarn Buying and Hoarding Acceptance

1. I admit that I am powerless over the impulse to buy yarn.  But not that the stash has become unbearable...
2. I have come to believe that a power greater than myself controls my purchasing...yarn color, yarn content, late-night internet surfing, seeing someone else making something - anything - out of said yarn, yarn existing....
3. I have made a decision to turn myself over to the siren that is my stash and it's propensity toward hand-spun, hand-dyed, or smaller gauge yarn...
4. I have made a searching and thorough inventory of this stash...it's large...
5. I have admitted to God and to other knitters and knitbloggers the extent of my stash...at least the part of it not currently in the mail, on its way to my house...
6. I am entirely ready to get rid of some of this stash...to give it away in contests or stash exchanges (watch this spot after Lent...)...and not just the Lion Brand that has inexplicably wended its way into my stash, but also some of the good stuff...
7. I humbly ask you all to call me on my mistakes, knitting, acquisition and otherwise...
8. I would do step 8, which requires making some kind of list...whatever...I just lose lists..
9. I will give my knitting away without remorse because it is the process of knitting after all, and the same goes for stash as it seems that it is the process of acquisition as well...and both make more room for new yarn...but I'll only give it away to good homes unless said knitting or yarn is superwash or more than 75% acrylic because Knitting Philistines wash hand-knit items in the washing machine...eeek!
10. I will continue to organize and reorganize my stash, taking mental inventory, and I pledge to give away what I really won't use...ever...what was I thinking? This stuff is gorgeous but I won't ever get to it because this season's stuff is gorgeous too and really I'm easily distracted ....ahem ...where was I?
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.  Can any of you come up with a good parody of this one?  I'm stuck.  Maybe something that has to do with acquiring yarn more judiciously?  But that's not what this is all about...hmmm...Oh, I've got it!  I'll send the person who comes up with my favorite number 11 some STR, colorway either Pebble Beach or something Canyon...what's the name of that stuff....have to go look later...and if my favorite is penned by Amanda?  Well, I guess I have to knit her something...
12. Yeah, this one's easy.  Having had a spiritual awakening, I will no longer evince concern over my stash or the acquisition of yarn.  I give myself over to it freely and with equanimity.  Acceptance.

Now, I know that the 12-step thing is a serious, lifesaving, sacrosanct thing -- that it's made millions of lives bearable again.  Serious stuff.  I know...really. 

Comments

[Lucia]

Sought through fondling and perusal of pattern books to improve my conscious contact with my yarn, as I understand it, praying only for knowledge of what it wants to be and my power to carry it out.

That was easy -- I hope it was anywhere close, because as you know I need more yarn.

Love the stash exchange idea btw.

[margene]

May being ever conscious of the knitting goddess guide our acquisitions and understanding of our stashes so that we always buy what will be used in the future. This guidance will cool our desires so that we buy with discretion and purpose.

Love the post!

[Pat K]

Sought through pattern perusal and never-ending sorting and re-sorting to improve our mental inventory of our stash as we want to utilize it, praying only for the capacity to remember what we bought and whatever it was possessed us to buy it, and to have the power and years left in our natural lifetimes to knit it all.

I really want some STR, btw.

[Diane]

Sought through constant searching and awareness to improve our conscious contact with fibery goodness, in a continual quest only for the ability to bring colorful, lovely and sense-pleasing yarn into our domain.

[Jennifer]

Sought through swatching and petting of yarn to improve my fiberly contact with the divine merino as we understand its wooly goodness, praying only for appropriate yardage for all of my projects, the power to finish all my UFOs and WIPs, and the will to recognize a good deal and stash sales.

[Chris Pokorny]

I love the idea of the stash exchange! I would LOVE the Lion Brand stuff - that's what we use most for our charity Friendship Center knitting because our families use laundromats and don't have the capacity to take care of fancy stuff. And....Crafty Angels were the recipient of a yarn donation worth about $8000 of fancy yarn that's not suitable for our families, so we could only use it to make things to sell to raise money for the Friendship Center. I'd LOVE to swap the fancy stuff for the plebian stuff! Let me know when the stash swap starts! Sign me up!

[Laura]

Oh my gosh I just read that the Yarn Harlot will be in St. Louis on April 26 and you haven't mentioned it on your blog!! Or have you? Was I skimming? Wow. I wonder. Would I drive all that way to see the Yarn Harlot?

[Jocele]

I got nothing, but you made me laugh. "Hi. My name is Jocele. I'm a yarn-aholic" Thanks. And I have some baby socks for you.

[Lori]

Sought through pattern selection and swatching to improve our tactile contact with Yarn, as we understood it, praying only for correct gauge, pattern understanding and the power to carry it out.

I would love some STR, as well! Thanks for making me laugh.

[trek]

Sought through careful fiber acquisition and pattern selection, correct gauge and sufficient yardage, seeking the skills and tools to carry out both old and new knitting techniques to use upon the stash in order to complete beautiful knitted garments for the truly worthy.

[Chris]

Hee hee - brilliant!

[Dave]

11. Through prayer and meditation, in order to improve our knitting karma and always stay on gauge and never pick the wrong color for the right project, to maintain conscious contact with our own personal inner voice, praying only that we will have the stash required for the projects of which we dream, or ready access to the net or LYS, to smoothly facilitate our inner designs in true allegience to our inner vision, in full knowledge that if we thwart our inner visions, said karma will ensure that we 3 yards short on our next project.

[margene]

Dave...you are priceless.

[Peeve]

I love it!!!

[Tam]

I'm thinking your Yarn Anonymous twelve-step program is pretty serious stuff too. Great post!